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Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year, to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
* Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
3. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
* Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
* Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is als o acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
* Watching Renee Zellwegger attempt English dialogue in Bridget Jones Diary was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play football (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game whic h is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can. |
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 We are not amused!!!!!!! |
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| Neither was Queen Victoria aparently ha ha |
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He is just a comic/actor looking for PUB!
This was also written like 4 years ago.
Good Laugh though  |
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Yay! We're getting the USA back! No more NFL, (not that i didn't like it, it's quite good actually). Now you'll have get used to the ploy of kicking the ball, not throwing it  |
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Wooo God Save the Queen
Canada is loyal to its your majesty YaY-YaY!!!
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um yes Kert it was a joke!! lol and I know it was written about 4 years ago I just came across it yesterday whilst clearing out my email!! Long overdue clear out and thought I would bring a smile to your somewhat dreary cause we are non playing hockey faces!!!  |
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| Vivy wrote: | | Long overdue clear out and thought I would bring a smile to your somewhat dreary cause we are non playing hockey faces!!! ;D |
I hear ya Vivy. gots to remember that some have thin skin and will not see the humor.
I sure the hell did!
Please do not tell me that i am going to have this government sponsored health care yall have over there! i value my teeth and sure the heck dont want to look like some I have seen over there 
where the heck did i put those choppers?
Just remember folks, this is what they want us to see!
http://www.foogle.biz/super_bugs_mrsa/bad-teeth.jpg
ohhh thats right! show us your choppers Vivy! |
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So the Queen isnt taking back Kansas?
*loading the U-Haul, and getting a street map of Wichita from MapQuest*
but Cleese was right about South African cricket! GO SPRINGBOKS! |
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[/QUOTE]
I hear ya Vivy. gots to remember that some have thin skin and will not see the humor.
I sure the hell did!
Please do not tell me that i am going to have this government sponsored health care yall have over there! i value my teeth and sure the heck dont want to look like some I have seen over there
where the heck did i put those choppers?
Just remember folks, this is what they want us to see!
http://www.foogle.biz/super_bugs_mrsa/bad-teeth.jpg
ohhh thats right! show us your choppers Vivy! [/QUOTE]
not see the sense of humour well that explains it all.... as for the national health dentist if you can come here and find me one i would gladly go, this private lark costs me a fortune... oh you want to see my teeth - reaches for the glass by the side of the bed... lol joking again!!! P.S THAT PICTURE WAS EWWWWWWWWWW MADE ME FEEL SICK THANKS FOR THAT AT 8.30AM oh and just for the record the picture you used to show that British people have poor dental hygeine was one taken from an MRSA patient which do I have to remind you the last reported cases of this disease were in oh yeah Canada!! your side of the pond.... You're return I do believe! |
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Cant we all just get along!!
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lol we are hun, its called friendly banter!!
p.s dont take anything I say seriously... |
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Love it!
I work with special needs people!
one guy gets pissed off if i say
"Pair of choppers!"
My grandpa use to take his choppers out
at the kitchen table and set those nasty ass
things next to me..
They wounder why i hate Halloween!
If Kansas is my only option!
I may have to slide 250 miles to the north
and visit my canadian brothas.
Fat chance! *winks I am so screwed |
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lmao Kert...
I saw the pictures of our lacklustre PM on TV in America last night!!
Man that guy is droll.
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hey Auggie put some Marmite in that shipment!
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| Tacos and Tequila - count me in... Can we all become Mexican?? |
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I heard a Comedian talk about the differences between America and the rest of the world about Soccer/Football/Futbol/Footy.
Everyone else in the world calls it Football since it's a ball you play with your feet....Logical enough.....not for this country though, we call it Soccer! It's like having an adult saying the right thing and we're the child going LALALALALALALALALALA Soccer! We Have the Guns and the Money, it's SOCCER! |
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I heard a Comedian talk about the differences between America and the rest of the world about Soccer/Football/Futbol/Footy.
Everyone else in the world calls it Football since it's a ball you play with your feet....Logical enough.....not for this country though, we call it Soccer! It's like having an adult saying the right thing and we're the child going LALALALALALALALALALA Soccer! We Have the Guns and the Money, it's SOCCER! |
OMG! I am no smarter then I was 12 seconds ago from this reply!
Please do not reply to my reply! *winks! I will only say this!
football with your feet sucks big muddy moose cocks! football
played with the arm and the brain! rocks the shizzles!
And what is up with the name? why cant people stick with cool ass
names Like kert!? hehehehehehe! just me being a smartass! |
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lol I am such a google geek but if there is an answer I will find it... This was a good one!! where does the word soccer come from?
I can understand why the rest of the world calls it "football," but how did we end up calling it "soccer" and what does that word really mean?
Somewhat unexpectedly, the word soccer is of British origin, though as you note soccer is the word favored in America, while the usual word in Britain is football.
The formal designation for the game we know as soccer is Association football, that is, football played according to the rules of the Football Association. And soccer is derived from the phrase Association football.
Of the many suffixes -er, one of them is a chiefly British form that creates informal or jocular mutations of more neutral words, which are typically clipped to a single syllable and often subject to other mutations before the application of the suffix. Examples that might be familiar to Americans are rugger, for the sport of rugby; bed-sitter, for a bed-sitting room (i.e. a room having a bed but also functioning as a small living room); and fresher, for a freshman. The suffix is said to have become popularized as slang at an Oxford college around 1875, picking up the usage from Rugby School (where the game of rugby was invented after an enterprising student in a soccer game picked up the ball).
The word soccer is formed from (As)soc(iation football) and this -er sufix.
The word soccer is first found in the late 1880s.
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| Hey, she had it easy. I just had to debate the existance of God. And won. |
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lol don't get me started on that one!
p.s Im from the atheist camp!
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Quite an explanation from the beautiful Prof. Vivy.
Makes me want to go back to class with HotForWords! (hotforwords.com) |
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